HAPPIEST TODDLER®
How to Teach Your Child to Be More Patient
How Do I Teach My Child Patience?
All kids start out impulsive. But, amazingly, you can s-t-r-e-t-c-h your toddlerâs patience in just daysâŚif you do it right.
Patience-stretching is a superfast way to help grabby toddlers learn to be patient by expecting them to wait a teensy, tiny bitâŚthen a bit moreâŚand then even more.
Believe it or not, most parents teach children patience in exactly the opposite way from the method that works the best.Â
For example, say youâre busy and your 2-year-old pulls at your skirt for attention. Most of us lovingly respond, âJust a second, sweetheart,â and finish what weâre doing. Trouble is, this often makes your child bug you even more!
This technique is best used for all toddlers (even under 1 year of age).
How to Use the Patience-Stretching Technique
Very important: To teach patience-stretching you must have something your child wants (food, a toy, etc.). Once you have that, follow these simple steps:
First, almost give her what she wants. Letâs say your 1-year-old interrupts you, asking for juice. Stop what youâre doing and repeat back, âJuice! You want juice!â Start to hand her the juiceâŚBUTâŚthen suddenly hold up one finger and exclaim, âWait! Wait! Just one second!â as if you just remembered something important. Turn away and pretend to look for something.
Next, the âpayoff.â After just a few seconds, turn back and immediately give your child the juice, praising her, saying, âGood waiting! Good waiting!â Quickly rewarding your childâs patience teaches her that waiting isnât so bad and that Mommy always keeps her word.
Little by little, stretch the waiting time more and more (5 seconds, then 10âŚ30âŚ60, etc.). If you practice this every day, your child will be able to wait a minute or two (or more) within a week. Patience-stretching will build your totâs self-controlâŚone step at a time.
Timers help toddlers practice patience. During a calm period, show your toddler how the timer works: âSee! And when Mr. Dinger says ding! (make it chime) then Mommy comes back fast!â
Later, when your 3-year-old starts bugging you for something, say, âSure!â and almost give it to him, but then suddenly announce, âWait, wait! Just a second, sweetheart! I have to go see Daddy. As soon as Mr. Dinger rings I can give you the ____!â (You might suggest that your child play or look at a book until the timer dings, but donât insist on it.)
Initially, set the timer for 20 seconds. When it rings, come right back, give your child a little praise (âHey, good waiting!â) and a check on the hand, and immediately keep your promise. Gradually increase the waiting period to a minute or two. But every once in a while, surprise him by: 1) setting the timer for just 10 seconds (heâll think, Wow, that minute goes by really fast). 2) Giving a double reward (âHey, you waited so wellâŚhere are 2 cookies!â). Heâll think, Wow, waiting is coolâŚSometimes I get even more than I expected! Later in the day, gossip to his teddy bear about his âgreat waitingâ at bedtime, remind him what a good job he did being patient that day.
How Is Patience-Stretching Not Teasing Your Child?
There is a huge difference between patience-stretching and teasing. Teasing is when you taunt a child by offering the thing he wants with no intention of giving it. âYou want this, but you canât have it!â
But with patience-stretching, you will give your child what he wants, youâre just delaying it a bit. Toddlers find this totally reasonable.
Think of it from the adult point of view: Imagine youâre approved for a $1,000,000 loan and just as the banker starts to hand you the check, he gets a phone call. So, he pulls back the check and says, âSorry, Iâll be right back.â
Are you angry? Probably not. You donât yell, âWhereâs my money!â because the banker might change his mind. And besides, you have every reason to believe that youâll get the check in a minute. So, what do you do? You sit patiently, hands in your lap, and wait. And when you get it, you feel very appreciative and offer a heartfelt âThank you.â
How I Teach Patience in Less Than 5 Minutes
At checkups, I love demonstrating how easy it is to teach patience-stretching. First, I warm up the child by playing the boob (for example, by repeatedly letting him âslap me fiveâ and yelping in pretend pain).
Once heâs having fun, I say, âGive me five again,â and I put out my hand, but right before he whacks me, I remove the hand and hold up one finger, saying, âWait! Wait!â Next, I turn away and make him wait for a few seconds as I pretend to look at something, Then I turn back, I praise them (âGood waiting!â), and perhaps I reinforce the praise by gossiping to his mom (âBobbyâs a good waiter!â). Finally, I let the child âgive me fiveâ again and repay his patience by hopping around yelping, âOuch! Ouch!â
Usually in just a few minutes, I can teach even a 1-year-old to patiently wait for 10 seconds.
For more ideas about how to boost cooperation and cut down on tantrums, check out The Happiest Toddler on the Block!
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