Tears for Baby, Tears for Parents

Recently, I was reading through Lisa Belkin’s column, Motherlode , in the New York Times and came across a blog called “Too Much Crying?” It was a guest post from a mother named Lee, who shared her exhausting and demoralizing battle with her infant’s colic, or persistent crying. After reading her heartfelt story and those expressed by other parents who commented afterward, I had to jump in and offer some support.

Colic can take an enormous toll on parents, transforming what should be the happiest time in our lives into one of abject misery. As Lee described it, “I was a wreck. You were the same way when you were a baby, my mom told me. You turned out just fine. Just fine? I physically beat myself up because I couldn’t get my son to stop crying.”

Colic usually occurs between a newborn’s second week and up through the third or fourth month, and is usually defined as a baby who cries and fusses for more than 3 hours a day, 3 days a week for 3 weeks (the so-called rule of 3s). Think about that for a minute! Consider how you would cope with a child who screamed and screamed for hours on end, without the ability to express what was wrong. No wonder it can push an already overwhelmed new mom or dad over the edge into bickering, exhaustion…even depression and aggression.

During almost 30 years as a pediatrician, I’ve worked with countless parents like Lee. They’re at their wit’s end, and feel so helpless and inept. They express a lot of guilt and shame, as if not being able to tame colic makes them a failure as a parent. But when you’re new to the game, and just so darn worn out, it’s very easy to give in to these doubts and bad feelings. As Lee says in her post, “The only thing that changed was my increasing anxiety that my son would not turn out “just fine.” That I was failing on some fundamental level as a mother. That I was in the process of breaking my baby, a little more every night.”

I have my own theory on colic , detailed in The Happiest Baby on the Block DVD , that has helped millions of parents around the world calm their baby’s crying. I believe that in a “weird” sort of a way, our babies are born 3-months too soon (not that I’ve ever talked a mom into trying this!). Baby horses are ready to run from the very first day, but our babies are super-immature for at least the first 3-6 months. Rather than being plunked down on a flat crib in a stone-silent room they need us to imitate the five soothing, hypnotic rhythms they experienced in the womb (the “5 S’s”) to help them stay calm and relaxed.

The Department of Health of Boulder, Colorado tried this approach out with 42 at risk families (teen moms, premature babies, drug users, etc) who all had very fussy babies. They did a study showing that 41 out of 42 very fussy babies immediately improved with the “5 S’s” and three special tools : a Happiest Baby DVD to reinforce the teaching, a large, thin swaddling blanket, and a Happiest Baby CD of womb sounds to play for naps and all night long. After that, the families found they could dramatically reduce their babies’ crying, and often add at least an hour to their nighttime sleep.

Equally important to relieving your baby’s discomfort from colic is relieving YOUR discomfort. Learning to handle the stress that comes with colic is one of your most important goals on this journey. Keep the focus not on the actual discomfort and crying, but on what you can and will do to relieve that crying. This helps you avoid negative thoughts and go into “solution” mode.

Remember to keep taking breathers as needed. Carrying a crying baby around for an entire day is too overwhelming for most parents, whether new or seasoned. Ask your partner to help, or a trusted family member, friend, or neighbor. Taking time to relax and rejuvenate will allow you to come back from your break with more energy and patience (which, we all know, are big requirements for parents, especially those dealing with a screaming baby). Use that time to do whatever helps you press the “reset” button, whether it’s walking around the block in the fresh air, getting a massage, or simply grabbing a quick shower or a nap. Your baby needs you to be the best parent you can be, but to do so you must make time to take care of yourself.

Most often, when the “5 S’s don’t work, it means they are not being done correctly. So, if the “5 S’s” aren’t helping please review the Happiest baby DVD to make sure you are doing each step exactly right. And, if you are doing them correctly and the baby is still very fussy, please contact your doctor to check to make sure the baby is not ill or in pain.

However, never shake your baby! Remember, babies are delicate and can be injured by rough handling. So, if you are getting frustrated or angry because of your baby’s crying, please put your baby down for a little bit and take a break. And, make sure to tell everyone who is helping with the baby how dangerous it is to shake and to take a break if they are getting frustrated or upset.

One of the biggest concerns doctors have about babies with colic is that this type of persistent crying – and the exhaustion it causes – can trigger very serious health issues, including postpartum depression. The slip into depression can happen so easily for some women (though there’s evidence that fathers often suffer from postpartum depression, too) and an infant with colic could definitely push a new mom down that path. Some moms describe that they feel constantly anxious or strangely alienated from their baby, or want to get in the car and just flee! Just recently, celebrity mother Gwyneth Paltrow discussed openly her own battle with postpartum depression , and encouraged mothers to seek help if necessary. Make no mistake about it: colic can wreak havoc on the life of a new family.

The best news about dealing with colic? In most cases, the “5 S’s” can dramatically help! I know it feels like it will never end, but it will. And infants who experience colic do not experience any negative effects in the long run. Take care of yourself during this trying time. Get rest, take walks outside, eat well, take turns with your partner, don’t worry about housework and chores, and remember that you’re doing the very best that you can do. In the meantime, check out my website for more information on colic, and share it with friends or fellow parents who might be trying to tame the colic beast.

Tags: Colic