Colic Baby Solution

Me Mommy, You Toddler

Think of your kid as a little caveman-primitive and uncivilized. In order to get him to stop kicking and screaming, you have to learn to speak his language. Here’s how to handle him the next time he goes all Neanderthal on you.

My 2-year-old son, Will, is a dream. He sings, he jokes, he laughs, he says, “Huv you, Mommy.” But he’s also a 2-year-old, which is just a nice way of saying if he doesn’t get his way, he totally loses it. Case in point: Will loves to go to the comer toy stdre because there’s a train table where kids can play choo-choo. Problem is, on the rare occasion when we actually need to do something else, he’s not pleased. Will plops down on the sidewalk and tums red-faced with fury as he desperately tries to make his point. There’s also the “naptrum,” as I like to call It-he’s tired, he knows he’s tired, but the fear of missing out on some fun is just too much for him to bear. These terrible tantrums don’t happen all that often, which is probably why when they do, it’s all the more distressing and I find myself feeling as helpless, frustrated, and upset as my kid.

Then one day, I had one of those “there has to be a better way” moments and signed up for a lecture with Parents advisor Harvey Karp, MD., author of The Happiest Baby on tile Block (a book and DVD that I credit with saving my sanity and that of my husband when Will was a crying-all-the-time-for-seemingly-noreason newborn). Dr. Karp’s follow-up book and DVD, The Happiest Toddler on tile Block, is all about understanding and averting toddler tantrums. Could Dr. Karp do it for me again?

THE TRUTH ABOUT TODDLERS

First, you need to understand a simple truth about the newest member of your family that may surprise you: Kids are not mini adults. This is major. We’re all guilty of being too earrlest dnd direct with little kids, and that approach just doesn’t work. Dr. Karp got me to think of children as little Neanderthals-primitive and uncivilized. Lest you think he’s being pejorative, here’s a science lesson from the doctor: Whereas adliits lise their left brain for language and problem solving, toddlers live much more in their right brain because their brain isn’t fully developed yet. This means they can see and recognize feelings (right brain), but they’re not so great at expressing those feelings with language (left brain), And the more angry or frustrated a kid gets, the more the loft brain shuts off and the more primitive his m

So how do we handle these awesome but challenging creatures who can so easily topple our grown-up equanimity? Dr. Karp exptains that we have to speak to them in their languagewhat he dubs “toddler-ese,” I’ve come to think of Dr. Karp as a sort of Dr. Dolittle, From his 30-plus years of being a pediatrician, he knows how to talk to the toddlers. To grunt and squeak and squawk wllll the toddlers, He’s used this ability to better understand these tiny beings and has passed on his decoder to us.

Okay, so how exactly do you stop a tantrum?

THE SECRET

A toddler strusmles to be heard and understood “It’s not easy being 2,” says Dr. Karp. “A toddler loses all day long. He’s weaker than you are, he’s slower and shoner, and he can’t speak as well “Your job, as a loving parent, is to help him feel like a winner. You do this by showing your kid respect and letting him know you understand what he’s going through and that he can trust you To do this, you have to learn toddler-ese as a secollcllanguage. But like learning any new language, it takes effort. And Dr. Karp says you’ve gol to be a bit of a ham to do it right.

It works like this: While your kid is screaming and crying, the first thing you hi1ve to do is acknowledge his omotions so he knows you care, You do this by narrating back his feelings, Repeat very short easy-to-understand phrases several times: “You’re mad, mad, mad! You want cookie! You want cookie now!”

Now here’s the tricky part of toddler esc: You’ve got to match your toddler’s emotional intensity with the tone of your voice and use your face and body too (point, gesture, move your arms) Rule of thumb: Reflect about a third of his level of anger. And if you want to screw up your face, tighten up your fists, flail your arms, too, that’s terrific. Remember, a toddler’s right brain is great at understanding this nonverbal communication. Keep repeating the words over and over. Basically, when toddlers get stressed out they turn “deaf” with anger-so you have to say stuff a lot. Maybe five to ten times.

When your child realizes that you understand what he’s feeling, the tears and screams will stop in mere seconds-at least 50 percent of the time, And once he’s calmed down, you can work on solving the issue-distract him from the train set, explain why he can’t eat another cookie before dinner, teach him not to grab another kid’s toy.

PUTTING THE SECRET TO WORK

The next time I had to drag Will out of the toy store, I got down on his level and used the words I knew he would have said if he could think straight: “You’re mad, mad, mad! You want to play trains now and you don’t want to leave! You say, ‘No leavel’ “I said these words with a lot of gusto and a little fist thumping.

And I felt goofy, especially because there were about half a dozen other moms and their kids staring at me, A kid throwing a fit doesn’t always cause a passerby to stop and stare, But people were positively riveted when I was ranting and raving in an effort to “connect with” my little caveman, And miracle of miracles, Will was riveted too! He just stopped, mid-meltown, It really seemed as if he felt he’d been heard and he was ready to hear what I had to say, Which was that we’d come back to the store the next day, but now it was time to go home, And we left.

Turns out the gusto is probably more important than the words, When you’re dealing with someone who’s losing it, it doesn’t so much matter what you say as how you say it. Dr, Karp talks about finding your kid’s “sweet spot”-the degree of emotion in your voice that’ll capture his attention and let him know you get it. A mellow kid like Will has a lower sweet spot than a higherstrung, dramatic kid, Every child is different. And this technique takes practice, If you don’t speak toddler-ese just right, your kid may not quiet down.

When I told Dr, Karp about how awkward it was to do this in front of other people, he reminded me of something I thought was pretty profound: We use this exact same weird way of communicating automatically when a kid is happy, Think about it-your kid goes down the slide and you clap excitedly and gleefully shout, “Yeah! You did it! You did it! You big beautiful boy! Wahoo!” But when your kid is mad, sad, or frightened, you kind of turn into a zombie, The words are respectful, but your tone is so subdued that there’s a huge gap between your child’s emotional level and your voice, so he’s left thinking, “No! No! You don’t get how I feel.” Not good, The way I see it, I’m happy to act like a crazy person because it means I can get back to being crazy about my kid.

Written by Barrie Gillies, posted on January 2008, at Parents.