- Shana, mom of two-year-old Danny

If you’ve got toddlers, then feeding, feeding, feeding has been your big job for a long, long time. We all feel like good parents when our kids clean their plates.

Yet many toddlers tenaciously refuse any food other than crackers, macaroni and cheese, and buttered bread. Don’t take this fussiness personally; it’s just a normal part of the rigidity so common to the toddler years. Take some time to read a nutrition book or check with your doctor to learn the amount of nutrients your child really needs, and track his food intake over a week or two to see if he is getting enough. Most kids require less than we think, and their refusal usually has nothing to do with our cooking. Here are four reasons toddlers become “food refuseniks”:

Not hungry. Shortly after the first birthday a toddler’s weight gain suddenly slows down. Andy by 18 to 24 months, many toddlers become “grazing animals,” preferring many snacks a day to regular meals.

Mealtime is playtime. To your toddler, a meal is as much play, or a science experiment, as it is a time to eat.

Green is yucky. It’s smart to like red and avoid green. Red signals what’s ripe, sweet, and safe to eat. Green foods are often bitter or unripe. (Even with lollipops – toddlers pick red over green almost every time!)

Temperamental taste buds. Some toddlers are just born supersensitive. They hate rough clothes, loud noises, and strong flavors.

Some parents avoid battles they can’t win. So rather than trying to force your toddler to eat something he doesn’t want, sidestep the conflict by hiding it in the food he likes or finding a win-win compromise.

Connect with Respect. Narrate your toddler’s strong desire not to eat so she knows you understand.

Catch Others Being Good. Point out what toddlers have on their plates when you visit restaurants. Invite older kids to your house to eat a meal. Toddlers love imitating others, especially slightly older kids.

Win-Win Compromise. Compete to see who can chomp down the “little trees” (broccoli) the fastest. Offer choices (“Should I give you three peas or two?”) and suggest a win-win compromise (“Eat a green bean and you can have another French fry. Eat two more green beans and you can have all five of these French fries!”). If your toddler drives a hard bargain and eats only one tiny nibble of the bean, you should still give her a piece of the French fry because that’s definitely a baby step in the right direction.

Reverse Psychology. When your toddler reaches for a piece of broccoli, at first let her have only a tiny piece. Say, “No way! Mommy wants them ALL ….they’re Mommy’s trees.” When your tot gobbles up her piece, exaggerate a pretend pout and say, “Hey, that’s mine…you ate my broccoli!”

Want more tips on overcoming even the most difficult behavior challenges with your toddler? See these tips in action with The Happiest Toddler DVD – a bestselling parenting guide that offers breakthrough techniques for soothing stormy outbursts, preventing tantrums before they begin, with amazing results: Less yelling, more cooperation and respect, and more happy, loving time for you and your toddler.

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Now don’t get me wrong, as parents we often have to reassure our children and help them through their frustrations and disappointments, BUT save your reassurance for after you respectfully reflect your toddler’s feelings (try the “Fast Food Technique,” described on The Happiest Toddler DVD and book). Once your toddler starts calming down, and actually starts to feel okay, that’s when she will really appreciate you saying, “It’s okay.”

Of course, if your toddler is in pain or terrified, you should immediately step in to help. But remember: Toddlers aren’t delicate flowers who need to be protected from all frustration. Challenging situations can actually strengthen your toddler’s character and resilience. As Wendy Mogel says in her book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, a child’s struggles have a valuable silver lining – they boost her ability to handle life’s inevitable frustrations.

Farmers have to plow before they can plant, and parents need to reflect their toddler’s feelings (and wait for them to start settling) before taking a turn.

In a similar way, don’t come in too fast with trying to distract your child in the middle of her tantrum. Like reassurance, distraction is great – but only after your child starts to regain her calm.

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Verbal attacks can scar like knives, wiping out a hundred hugs and triggering feelings of worthlessness. An angry or disgusted tone of voice is something that even a 1 year old finds hurtful, but actual “name-calling” becomes increasingly damaging to toddlers around two years of age because middle toddlers are superfocused on words and care a lot about what others think.

Remember, like an ambassador, you are building a long-term relationship. Can you picture a diplomat telling a king, “You’re so stupid!” or “Shut up!”? Diplomats keep a cool head and a respectful tone even when they’re mad, because they know that today’s enemy is tomorrow’s friend. So when something your toddler does makes you really upset, skip the yelling and names and instead tell him how his actions made you feel: “You broke my favorite picture frame, and Mommy is mad, mad, mad!”

Fortunately, compliments and kind remarks also live long in our minds. So here are some tips on how to replace mean labels that tear your toddler down with descriptions that build him up. It’s one of the best gifts you can give. Time to play a game I like to call “Reframe That Name!” See if you can replace each of the “labels that hurt” with one of the “descriptions that help”.

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Raising a toddler is one of the joyous high points of parenthood. There’s nothing like a one-, two-, or three-year-old to help you see the world in wonderful new way: the bugs in the grass . . . the shapes in the clouds . . . the “castles” in a pile of sand. Toddlers brim with curiosity, excitement, and irresistible charm.

But as every parent with a toddler knows, the emotional climate can shift quickly. One minute all is bliss. Then BAM! They cry, scream, and erupt into a tantrum (often in the most embarrassing places). No wonder hundred of books written on the subject attempt to teach parents how to get their toddlers to behave. Fortunately, the use of harsh physical punishment as a parenting tool has been largely phased-out and replaced with a gentler, more loving approach. But unfortunately, patient explanations and respectful words often flop when it comes to soothing toddlers with tantrums.

Over the next few years, one of your top parental jobs will be to civilize your toddler: teaching him to say “please” and “thank you,” to wait his turn, and to pee in the potty. At the start of my career, I learned that, when it came to this “civilization” process, the obvious techniques of distraction (“Hey, look at this toy!”) and empathy (“I know you hate shots, but…”) often just bounce right off of fussy toddlers. That’s when it dawned on me: Toddlers don’t think like older kids . . . so why speak to them like older kids?

When toddlers get upset, the brain center that controls language, logic, and patience literally shuts down. No wonder they transform into impatient and irrational Conan the Barbarians! I tested out a new theory, and began speaking to my cranky toddler patients in a simpler, more primitive language (think Tarzan, or Bamm-Bamm from The Flintsones). I was amazed to discover that I could often soothe their tantrum – and even get a few smiles – in less than one minute!

In The Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD and book, I teach a series of highly-effective methods to boost patience, cooperation and respect in children from 8 months of age to 5 years. You’ll be pleased to see how quickly you can improve your toddler’s behavior and stop tantrums before they begin. Before you know it you’ll have less yelling, more cooperation, and a happier, more loving time for you and your toddler!

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1. Toddler Tantrums: Should We Rush to “Make It All Better”?
2. Cure tantrums like cavemen
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